Ugly Truths

I spent three days deciding if I was allowed to buy a $27 shirt. Not if I could afford it. Allow it.

I have expensive tastes and discount habits, so I'm usually pretty good at talking myself out of things. But I liked this top. It was on sale, and it was perfect for the outfit I was planning.

And yet, I started tallying everything else I could (should) be doing with $27.

Haven't we already spent too much this month? I don't really need this; I just want it. We're about to put a down payment on braces for the youngest; maybe I should just wait...

My husband, the Balkan Storm, was no help whatsoever because he said what he'd always say: just buy the damn shirt and move on.

He's always the first to tell me to go see the thing, try the thing, buy the thing (with a huge asterisk here, I should say), and stop overthinking all the things.

Meanwhile, my brain: You don't need that. Don't you think that money could go toward something more practical?

Again, it's $27.

It's a goddamn shirt.

The shirt is just the latest example.

It starts the way it does in a lot of families where girls grow up learning that being responsible, understanding, and low-maintenance are generally considered good things.

And they are, until you end up internally berating yourself for wanting to buy a cheap shirt 'just because'.

I'm being dramatic, but only a little.

“Family takes care of family” is another one of those things that's hard to argue with. Of course, family should take care of family. People should support each other during rough patches.

But…for how long? For how much?

I should probably point out that no one in my house is demanding I sacrifice myself at the altar of anyone else's happiness. Quite the opposite; I get a lot of support.

Still...

Here's an ugly truth: sometimes I don't want to nurture anyone.

Anyone.

Sometimes I just want to be unavailable for no reason and not feel guilty about it.

Not long ago, I told my teenager that I didn't want to become one of those women who has to nag constantly just to make sure the basic chores get done.

Without missing a beat, he very politely told me he'd actually prefer that so that he could be reminded to do the chores.

Teenagers, right?

I laughed, but it was more of a dry 'can you believe this shit?' amused disbelief.

Caregiving can be death by a thousand little requests. There's always someone who needs something, and at any given time, at least two of us are hungry, and one of us is being emotional.

And yes, I’m including myself here.

Regardless of gender, at some point, we all hit a wall.

You can love your family and occasionally resent the circumstances. You know understand how blessed you are and still be cranky and tired.

Then you feel crappy for feeling like that because so many people have much bigger problems, which is how you start ignoring your own limits in the first place.

I’m tired, especially of having to muster up patience that I don’t always feel.

I'm tired of mulling over every potential consequence before I say no, spend money, make plans, or do something for no real reason.

A $27 shirt isn't exactly a moral dilemma. I’m still feeling a skosh guilty for taking time for myself this summer in beautiful, sunny California.

The Balkan Storm and I are still noodling out what our future looks like after all this. It might be a consulting gig in the Caribbean, a home on the west coast, or a multi-acre farm and animal rescue.

Hell, maybe all of it, who knows?

What I do know is that there will always be some reason your plans have to wait until current things settle down. There will always be one more thing to get through first.

Well, 'when things settle down' is complete nonsense; you can't treat your own life like a reward you'll get around to once everyone else is taken care of.

So I bought the damn shirt, and our weird, wonderful little family is going to make some memories. And after all this, I'm making sure we get a fun family photo.

At least I'll have a cute shirt to wear in it.