Party in the U.S.A.: The Great American Sleepover
The news says we can't stand each other. A bajillion World Cup houseguests proved otherwise. Somebody's lyyyyying.
First off, can we all acknowledge that this heat has become deeply, personally offensive? And I say that as a Southerner. I know heat.
I’ve lived through summers with air as fresh as coffee breath, and humidity clinging to you like a wet pair of Wranglers.
But this, up here in the Midwest, feels different somehow.
I haven’t styled my hair in a week; I just wash it and accept my fate.
My weather app should stop telling me what the temps feel like and just say, “Stay inside and do something about that hair”.
Meanwhile, we’re having some work done on our house: a pergola, some porch rails, and, to The Balkan Storm's great delight, a flag mount.
His chest is swelling with American pride. Mine from water retention.
God, this heat.
This weekend, America turns 250. You’d think a milestone like that would come with better plans for some of us than ‘hope it don’t rain’, but here we are.
I can't help but wonder how the rest of the country’s celebrations will turn out. I mean, turn on any news station, and you’d think we’re just one comment away from societal collapse.
We’re divided, we’re angry, and we can’t agree on anything. More details at eleven.
I’ve been watching the World Cup coverage, and I’m not just talking about the matches. I mean visitors from all over the world, celebrating and posting videos on social media.
Nothing about politics. No, it’s all about people, vibes, cleanliness, food, air conditioning, big-box stores, and gas stations, all while drinking the local beer distributors dry.
Scottish fans took over Boston so much that it’s now being called New Scotland. A restaurant owner drove total strangers to a match just because they couldn’t find an Uber.
Firefighters gave station tours to curious tourists who’d wandered in. A deli owner in the South gave British tourists free lunch just for coming all that way.
And they’re pretty much all saying the same thing: everyone is so friendly.
Not Team Red or Team Blue. Team All of Us.
Now, we are divided. We disagree about some pretty important things, but when you step back enough (say, the distance of a Norwegian tourist marveling at Buc-ee’s), what you see is a country full of people eagerly sharing something from their side of the world and relishing the reaction.
"I can get bread, milk, and an air rifle," said one stunned tourist at Walmart. Ranch dressing. Free refills...with ice!
Meanwhile, Americans are joining their new friends in traditions like mounting traffic cones on statues, the Viking Row, and hopping with the Orange Army.
I’ve heard it referred to as The Great American Sleepover, and I feel that’s the best way to describe it. I mean, think about it: we had about a bajillion guests show up, we fed them way too much, taught them our weird stuff, learned their weird stuff, and had way too much fun in general.
Someone should inform the media.
The news says we can’t stand each other, while our guests are saying we’re the friendliest house in the whole neighborhood.
Somebody’s lying to us, and I don’t think it’s the guys launching traffic cones.
So, without going down a whole rabbit hole, here's my hope for the holiday weekend: more traffic cones. Eat too much. Stay up too late.
No arguments more serious than ‘does ketchup belong on a hot dog? (It does.)
Happy 250th, America. You’re a weird place, but I love you.
P.S. Suck it, England.
eagle screech
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